What If We Didn’t Fake It Til We Made It?
Earlier this week I posted on LinkedIn about the flaw in the advice we’ve all received as early managers - “Fake it til you make it.” Let’s dive in deeper so we can impact the next generation of managers.
The first time I heard this was 2004 and I was promoted to Director of Instruction at SCORE! Educational Centers. This promotion meant I was to manage the part time tutoring staff, all of whom were no less than 20 years my senior.
I was put in charge of rolling out a change that we knew the staff wasn’t going to like. The meeting was at 7:00pm and Lydia Mutch, a beautiful human who went on to become one of my dearest friends, pulled me aside before the meeting and said, “You got this, and just fake it til you make it.”
I can picture the room. I can picture Kathy, Eric, Suzanne and the facial expressions they gave me as I shared the change.
I can’t remember for the life of me what it was I was announcing, I can tell you precisely how I felt and what I wish I’d done differently.
In my quest to “fake it,” I responded to their questions with BS answers. I repeatedly told them this was for the better. And when I got frustrated at the end, I effectively told them I need them to get on board.
What were my missed opportunities?
I didn’t admit it when I didn’t know the answers.
I didn’t ask for their input on how to make the change better.
I didn’t thank them for their honesty.
I didn’t manage the transition by naming the emotions and impact of what was ending.
More than anything, I wasn’t me.
My quest for proving that I was their leader, proving it’d been right to promote me, and proving that I had the chops to take on this role meant I missed the most important part about leadership - vulnerability.
Vulnerability is the courage to be yourself.
Vulnerability is the root of cooperation and trust.
I love this description of vulnerability from Culture Code: “It’s about sending a really clear signal that you have weaknesses, that you could use help. And if that behavior becomes a model for others, then you can set the insecurities aside and get to work, start to trust each other and help each other. If you never have that vulnerable moment, on the other hand, then people will try to cover up their weaknesses, and every little microtask becomes a place where insecurities manifest themselves.”
All of that to say, vulnerability kicks off a trust cycle*:
Person A sends a signal of vulnerability
Person B detects this signal
Person B responses by signaling their own vulnerability
Person A detects this signal
A norm is established; closeness and trust increase
What does vulnerability practically sound like?
I’m not sure, that’s a great question. What ideas do you have?
I was mistaken in what I communicated, can I get your help correcting my mistake?
Tell me what you’re needing and I’ll help you.
Since that moment in 2004, I’ve been given the advice of “fake it til you make it” countless other times. And the intent was to boost my confidence to help me get over imposter syndrome, there’s a better way.
What if our advice in tough situations fell more in these buckets:
Be authentic.
Share what you know, get curious about what you don’t.
When all else fails, ask for input.
Do what will make you proud.
What management advice would you give your younger self? What advice do you love giving to new managers in your org? What advice has had the greatest impact on your management effectiveness?
*Culture Code - The Vulnerability Loop
