My favorite conflict resolution tactic
How do you handle two teams that can't work together?
How do you approach a leader attacking your org’s structure & results?
These are two, of more than a handful, of instances that have come up in the last week with clients.
I've been sharing a favorite tactic with them. And I want to share it with you.
It’s this: Offense or Defense
When there’s conflict, do you defend or do you understand?
When you’re feeling attacked, do you build a wall or do you seek the source of the issue?
Most of us defend. Especially when it comes to attacks and threats perceived against us or our people.
We gather data. We prepare to tell a compelling story defending our position.
After all, isn’t that our job? To protect and shield our people?
Yes, and I argue there’s a more effective path.
Rather than playing Defense, begin playing Offense.
Playing Offense looks like this: remaining calm and curious to understand what is behind the attack.
Let’s use this as a case study:
Pretend for a moment your counterpart in Sales is expressing concerns about how your Account Managers are handling clients. They’re unsure your AMs are really trying to save clients, and they are asking for leaderboard metrics to keep an eye on your AMs.
You’re likely at risk of going on the defensive. How dare they doubt your people? Who are they to try to micromanage your people? Do you ask to monitor their people?
Pause here.
Shift to playing Offense.
Calmly and genuinely get curious with them. It might sound like this:
“Can we pause here? I’m hearing your requests for more data and insights, and I’m happy to explore that as a route, and before we do, I’d love to better understand what’s driving this request.”
What prompted this concern?
How long has this been a worry?
What are we really trying to solve for?
What’s the long term vs short term solution?
In the bigger picture of things, what else do we need to be thinking about?
Your job is to get to the root of the real issue.
A request for data is likely masking a fundamental trust issue.
All the data in the world won’t solve a trust problem.
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Why does this approach work?
It restores safety for both parties.
Strengthens relationship dynamics.
Enables you to solve the real problem.
Models productive conflict resolution for others.
Now, let me turn it to you, what’s something you’re finding yourself defending?
An idea? Your people? Your promotion recommendations?
If you paused and removed your battle armor, what might curiosity uncover?
With your armor off, you can even take a more daring extra step.
Dare to think, for sake of exploration, that you’re to blame and you take all the responsibility for the conflict.
When the blame game is off the table, and there’s nothing to defend, what questions might you start asking?
Full credit on this last exercise to Jane Cebrynski, a kickass Sports Life Coach and Chief Wellbeing Officer with Empower for Growth.
That’s it for today!
Comment below and let me know how your wheels are turning!
